Ode to a Frenchie

I'm not a pig, I'm not a pug, my ears haven't been cropped, my tail hasn't been docked. I didn't run into a wall or get hit in the face with a frying pan. I do not bite, but my owner is another matter altogether. That noise is how I breathe-I'm not growling at your child. I'm not so ugly I'm almost cute and anyone who would say that is so stupid they are almost smart. I'm a Frecnh Bulldog and I'm perfect in every way!

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Why NOT to get a French Bulldog


Purchasing a French Bulldog - Top Reasons to NOT Own a French Bulldog

1. They are possibly the most flatulent breed on the face of the planet.

We're not talking one or two little farts per week, either - we're talking about a constant miasma cloud of evil smelling gas that will hang over top of your Frenchie pretty much constantly. Not only that, but they tend to belch after eating, too. Also, they have no hesitations about doing this when you've got company over - like, say, the boss you were hoping to charm into giving you a raise.

2. They shed. A lot.

Were you interested in Frenchies because you assumed a short haired breed wouldn't shed as much? Think again! Frenchies shed year round, and if you don't groom them to remove it, they'll be happy to do so by rolling on the antique aubusson carpet or priceless needlepoint chair. It also seems inevitable that people who own dark Frenchies prefer white clothing, and vica versa.

3. They're not Lassie - loyalty isn't a breed trait Frenchies are known for.

Looking for the kind of dog who will devote itself to you and only you? Then look at something other than a Frenchie. You'll often hear French Bulldogs described as 'gregarious', which is usually a polite euphamism for 'they're sorta slutty and will ditch you for the first person to offer them a cookie and scratch on the head'.

4. Drooling isn't unknown, and neither is messy eating and drinking.

While not all Frenchies drool, enough of them do that it's something to be prepared for. Many of the non droolers are still messy, slobbery, sloppy drinkers and eaters, and food loves to get caught in those adorable Frenchie face creases and wrinkles. Since Frenchies have a well developed sense of humor, many of them have found that pant legs make convenient napkins - especially cream linen pant legs.

5. Frenchies can have 'little dog' syndrome - some will fight at the drop of the hat.

Most commonly seen in the girls (who can put the capital 'B' into the word bitch when they want to), dog agression isn't unknown in Frenchies. Those seeking to integrate multiple dogs into one household need to be prepared for spats, territorial conflicts and food agression in some dogs and some lines.

6. Poop makes a nice snack sometimes (eww...)

Yup, it happens - some Frenchies develop a taste for poop, whether their own, or someone else's. And kitty litter? Yum yum! Kitty poop eating is so common that we resignedly refer to it as 'kitty canapes'. Another favorite is Canada goose poop - mine will snuffle this stuff up like it's truffles dipped in caviar. Elegant dogs they're not.

7. Allergies abound

In addition to all of the common health issues you'll hear about which can occur in Frenchies, is another one which is less commonly mentioned - allergies. Whether to food, cleaning products, or environmental factors, allergies of one kind or another are so common in Frenchies that it is virtually impossible to gaurantee your dog won't develop them. Some can be controlled with a simple change in diet, but others are much more difficult to alleviate.

8. They're small and cute, but they're still a bull & terrier breed, and that means they're stubborn

Did you ever wonder why stubborn people are referred to as 'bull headed'? Well, you won't after you've owned a Frenchie. Implacably stubborn and always determined to get their own way, and a challenge to obedience train, Frenchies prefer things be done their way, or not at all. Veteran trainers have been known to be reduced to tears at the stubbornness of one cute little 21 lb Frenchie.

9. House breaking? Good luck!

You know that rare oriental carpet that you're so attached to? The priceless one that Grandmother left you in her will? Well, your Frenchie just peed on it. Repeatedly. Oh, and he also left you a 'surprise' under the coffee table - and all of this was after you'd spent months consistently housebreaking him. Welcome to the wonderful world of Frenchie ownership! Frenchies can be one of the most incredibly difficult breeds to housebreak. Experienced dog owners have been reduced to accepting that carpeting is no longer an option once you own a Frenchie.

10. Don't leeeeaaaaave me!

Looking for a dog that will be content to stay home alone while you're at work during the day? Something content to be alone, and able to entertain itself? You might want to think twice about getting a Frenchie, in that case. Many Frenchies suffer from seperation anxiety, a condition which they express with everything from frantic barking to chewing, digging and pacing. Some owners have found that the only solution is to add a second dog, while for others even this doesn't work.

11. The Frenchie death yodel - once heard, never forgotten...

You're getting ready for bed, and suddenly you hear it - the sound that's been described as 'nails on a chalkboard to the power of ten'. Is it an animal caught in a trap? Someone choking to death? The end of the world? No, it's just your Frenchie, expressing his opinions about being left alone. I bet your neighbours love hearing it just as much as you do!

12. Frenchies have health issues - lots of them

Conscientious breeders do everything in their power to produce puppies which are as healthy as possible, but every health screening test in the world still isn't enough to ensure that nothing will ever happen to your Frenchie. Breathing problems, spinal conditions, allergies, heat stroke, joint problems, Cushings, Addisons, eye problems - they're out there, and they can happen. Are you prepared to deal with this, if and when it does? Owning a Frenchie is not for the faint of heart - and it's also not for those who can't afford good veterinary care.

13. Frenchies - the four legged crack of the dog world.

Frenchies should come with a warning label slapped on their sides - something to let all of us poor suckers know that owning one is never enough. Allergies, poop breath, carpet piddling - if you're the kind of person who can tolerate all of this and still love a Frenchie, you're just one short step away from becoming a Frenchie junkie, just like the rest of us. Once you've owned one, nothing less will ever again do. Consider yourself forewarned.

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